I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.