I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
No, I don’t think I will.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.