I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.