I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
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Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G