I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.