I triple waxed for this?
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
