Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I’m never leaving this app.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?