I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.