Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

the greatest twitter interaction

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.