I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*has no idea what a book even is*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
