I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.