I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
she has a point
