I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?