I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.