I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I’ll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*

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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS


“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”


The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.


Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.


The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.


Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!


If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”


vampire: let me bite you

me: no!

vampire: it will be fun

me: *running away*

vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!

me: *noticeably slowing down*


*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!