The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much