Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

When you’re here for the treats.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Spotted in the wild

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”