Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

Science is fun!

#nottrue

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.