Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

hmmm

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.