I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe