“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Worst bar ever.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The “baby” on the left….
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Watermelon Boss!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
✌️
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.