“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Why soy sad?
