Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Print is alive and well!!!

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.