“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips