Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23. the denim jacket

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

🙀🙀🙀😹

I need to sieze this.

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.