I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game