Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

And that about sums it up.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

I didn’t come here to be called names

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on