Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”