i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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“The Perfect Relationship”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss