Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.