I try
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?