I try
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
new shirt idea
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand