I try
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(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
no exceptions
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”