I try
You Might Also Like
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
we’re dead?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…