Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu