I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You Might Also Like
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.