Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not