Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

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