I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.