Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.