Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad