I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.