I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Tapped in
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.