Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

All is fair in drunk and war.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both