I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.


I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…


If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.


Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room


My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.


Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.


If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.