@huntigula

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

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@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

@Prof_Hinkley

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

@JasonCarney31

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@WeissBrandon

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist