I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

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I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries


Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.


[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware


Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies


Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist