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Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on