Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

canadian assassins are called killergrams

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

🖕🏻👽

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

The dark side of Canada

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options