I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
who named him groot and not spruce lee
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My teenage children choosing violence
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more