I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
ew if literal: let me be clear
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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