I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL