Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.