I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.