Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?