Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.