Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Covert ops

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.