[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*performs CPR on the turkey*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ