[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.