[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Employees must applaud the planets.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Give us this day our daily internet validation
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry