I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*