Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

My dress code is business-casualty.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”