I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
went fishing caught a bass
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
