I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Thinking about Jeff
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My plans: 2020:
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it