Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Finally, a door that understands me

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.