Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.