I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip