I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
So the ex texted me
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Flowers bee like
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro