I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You Might Also Like
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
🤣😂🤣😂
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore