I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.