If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Something Saturday.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
hi why am I like this
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?