I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
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There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?