I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
scared to check what name she chose
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
they really wanted me dead for this
