I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
You Might Also Like
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’m already scared
I love you…
…r dog.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice