I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
work smarter, not harder
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
And then there were 4
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
my proudest tweet
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”