Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf