I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t