I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
You Might Also Like
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Okay
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool