I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it