I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Yes
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.