Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.