Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more